Well, there’s still nothing definite on this damn teaching job. I had wanted to be able to fill in as a substitute for the current teacher, but that didn’t work out, with the Arizona trip. Luckilly, I’ve found out about some other open positions and I’m taking steps to get more information about those. The thing is, no one seems to be around to answer phone calls or emails.
There is the possibility that I may just pick myself up, get out of the state, and start over. I hear Seattle’s nice. Baltimore has always interested me. I could be at the perfect stage in my life to do this — have an adventure. Go off some place new and try to discover what I am really passionate about. Maybe it’s teaching, maybe it’s not. It’s been so long since I’ve taught, every so often I wonder if it really is what I want or if I’m even still good at it.
My roommate, while normally pretty unobtrusive, seems to be a little tipsy tonight. She’s carrying on awfully loud, sometimes in English, sometimes in French, sometimes in Giggle-ish, and sometimes in some other language which may not exist except for in her own alcohol-flowing-in-the-blood-stream mind.
Remember how over a month ago I said that one of the things I need to do is work out the problems in my personal relationships? If you don’t remember, this might help. In any case, sometimes they say that things get worse before they get better. In some ways, a few days last week were the worst days of my life. That’s even if you count the days in the car, driving to Florida with my family, back when my brother and I were younger. (It was a tough ride.) Things have a long, long way to go before we reach the “better” part of that statement above, but I am resolved to be the person I need to be. Love is a gift, and I took advantage of those who were generous enough to bestow that gift upon me. By betraying others, people will think twice or three times before trusting me with their heart. Friendships that will be able to recover will be that much stronger based on the connection we will be able to make. I am beginning to understand how to make that connection. The understanding begins with the ability to love myself, and loving myself begins the realization of what I need to do in order to be a person who deserves the love, trust, and faith of others.
It’s going to be a lot of work. It’s going to be a lot of work on my own.
Merry Christmas, Roomma… er, Spike. 🙂 I jump on your head!
What about what other people deserve? Why do you deserve an adventure and stronger relationships and love and trust and faith? Why, WHY do you deserve those things, when others will never be able to feel those things ever again? While you’re working on becomming a person who *deserves* things, whose job is it to trail behind and pick up the shattered wreckage that you’ve left in your wake? Whose job is it to put back the pieces of other people’s lives, while you go off living a wonderful life? I’m so sorry that “a few days” last week sucked for you. Ask me in five years if I’ve forgotten last week. Ask me in five years if I can trust anyone. If I have the ability to let another person know me. Ask me in five years if I can watch the sun rise without remembering every minute of this past week…without feeling like I’d rather feel nothing at all for the rest of my life than to have to feel this for one more minute.
You WILL, Alissa. Eventually. It will take you a while, but you will. You won’t forget, but it’ll get better, and you’ll come through it.