I honestly can’t remember the last time I “had” a day I could call “not good.” I’d imagine it would have to be earlier this year.
Maybe it was a phone call where she said, “goodbye,” and I said, “goodbye,” and I knew it would be goodbye. Maybe it was earlier: it might have been the day I didn’t get the teaching job in south Jersey (Blckwd, not Lkwd). It was most likely earlier than that.
I don’t like having bad days. They’re not fun. They are the days where it feels like everything is against you. It feels like the friendships you’ve had for years have meant nothing. It feels like no matter what you do, somebody is going to be upset. Somebody is going to cry. You just want to scream a Schultzian “AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH” because nothing is ever enough, and nobody else ever puts any effort into the things you care about.
People want to believe in what they were brought up with. For a long time, I wanted to as well. I thought my mother was always right. I believed whatever she told me no matter how far-fetched it was because, well, she’s my mother and she’s never wrong. Then my girlfriend told me I was brought up wrong, that my parents lied to me. She (the girlfriend) was brought up more wholesomely, the correct way. It was always a difficult discussion because on one hand, my mother is always right, on another hand, I was starting to see that the world often operates differently than how I was brought up, and yet, on the third hand, the world also often operates differently than how she was brought up. (She had just as much trouble accepting that as I did.)
Not only that, but this girl happened to have wonderful friends. They really are great people, and I loved them like I loved her. My friends weren’t good enough for her. They were brought up differently than her friends, hence brought up incorrectly.
But maybe she was right… after all, while I have never not “been there” for my friends when they needed someone to be there for them, many of them have disappeared from the bigger part of my life. However, a person who strives to be selfless understands he can’t rely on others to strive to be the same. Most people convince themselves that they are busy, and don’t have time for other people, while others seem to always find time to talk to a friend. I’ve almost always been devoted to what I thought were the truest, strongest friendships. (Yes, I realize that’s a really big “almost.”) I think the problem is that I was wrong in determining what the strongest friendships were.
You, the readers, probably think I am digressing, but there is a point to this rant somewhere. I guess these are the points:
- There comes a time when you have to accept the way you were brought up and also accept that others have been brought up differently. No one is right, no one is wrong. People need to communicate in order to tolerate each other, and in order to get along as friends, much less sustain a meaningful relationship, need to communicate even more.
- At some point, you must step back and recognize the faults of the people closest to you. Everyone has them. They are there. Embrace the faults and understand that nobody is perfect, and everyone benefits from the input of others. Don’t close your mind.
- You’re no better than anyone else, no one is better than you. We live in a world where people like to act “better,” more virtuous, etc. The sooner we realize we are all nothing more than human, and therefore a mix of our genetic code and environment, the sooner we will be in harmony. I’m not talking about peace across the world, I’m just referring to peace within our own circles.
- It’s easy to decry the faults of others when you don’t talk to them every day, when you don’t look into their eyes every day, and when you aren’t reminded of their humanity every day. Without this human contact, you cannot see your own faults reflected in their eyes. Faults are okay. Let’s not decry them; if you love your friends you will want to help them minimize or even recognize their faults. After some time, you may even realize what you thought were faults are not.
I’m not preaching; these are all issues I’m dealing with, just like everyone else in the world. Any thoughts?
there is something amazingly good about this post. maybe it touches me because i’ve thought and felt the same thing…where a guy thought that his way of living and his life was good, while mine was bad b/c it was different. or maybe it’s b/c it is so sincere and i feel bad that you are having a ‘bad day’ (although, it seems like more than a day). or maybe it’s b/c i think that your girlfriend sucks for being mean to you by judging you.
either way, you seem alright, so don’t second guess your value, and the value of your friends, and the value of how you were raised. it’s the end result that matters anyway…b/c the environment and genetic code could have caused you to b/come someone else, but there is an extra piece, and extra thing, whatever that is, that caused you to be exactly as you are, now. does that make sense?
While I think most of what you say makes sense, I think perhaps that you are overthinking a lot of it. People are people, and you need to respect other people’s right to be. You need to try to be empathetic while still being yourself. But you shouldn’t have to think about it all the time. It’s living, and you just need to try to live as well as you can. You’re right….no one should preach it. If you preach it, you begin to sound like you are trying to maintain a moral superiority, and that’s no better than simply telling other people that they are wrong.
i do have a tendency to ‘overthink’ things. been told so many times!
I’m not necessarily having a bad day. I was just thinking about when the last time I did have one. I did have a very thoughtful day, however, as you can tell from this post.The danger in not overthinking things is underthinking. Underthinking easily leads to being inconsiderate and not, as you said Darren, respecting others’ right to be. I’d rather overthink things–conteplate and meditate on thoughts–look to improve myself–rather than take everything at face value. But that’s just me.
I’d like to make one thing clear, it was the old girlfriend, not the new one that was judgemental of Spike. The new one loves him very much and accepts him for who he is, faults and all. Luckily, he accepts me for mine as well. Furthermore, everyone is raised differently. There’s no saying who was raised correctly and who wasn’t. It’s what you as the individual learn from your environment and parents/family/friends and how you adapt that knowledge into your life and create the person you become as an adult.
Yes yes yes yes yes. I have some of this struggle in my current relationship. NOT, fortunately, that either of us thinks that the other’s background/friends/whathaveyou are “wrong,” but because taking two entirely disparate backgrounds and trying to meld them together into a sympathetic whole is a daunting task.
As for the thinking too much vs. not thinking too much… Yes, I think it is possible to think too much. Yes, I definitely do. I think it’s largely a matter of personality, though, and only so much you can do about of it. I also think, given the choice, that I’d rather think too much, which (mostly) only hurts myself, than think too little, which would hurt other people. But then, that’s probably because of the way I was raised, too. 🙂
neese, i am sure that you are a super girlfriend…you have a cool name, so you must me! and yes, i do think that the result is what counts, esp in a relationship, to make the two people work. if they are compatible or not…it will depend on all that they’ve gone through, their personalities, and where they are in life.
anyway, good luck to the two of you!
Just a thought (and I speak as myself and not a representative of said old girlfriend): It’s occurred to me recently that maybe, as we get older, the struggle becomes more about learning WHEN to come out and make a judgement, to say “right” or “wrong.” There are times it needs to be said but isn’t, there are times it isn’t said but should have been, there are times when it’s the hardest thing in the world to do (especially for we non-confrontational folk) but it absolutely has to be said.
All of us are trying to find that balance; all of us would be happier if we could perfect it. But being down on each other — and ourselves — for choosing incorrectly doesn’t do much good. In my humble opinion, of course.
Hi, g. I do agree with your humble opinion. Glad to see you here…
Spike, I really like that post, especially the first couple of points. Communication and embracing faults are the two things that I think are most crucial in cultivating relationships (of both the romantic and non-romantic sorts) with other people. Especially communicating. Sometimes it makes all the difference.
And I’m glad to see that you seem to have bad days much less frequently than I do. =)