Another Installment of “Things I Learned”

Things I learned this weekend from my trip through the Mid-Atlantic States:

• When pulling you over for speeding, Virginia cops will try to frighten you with their mysterious ways and silly hats, but if there’s a cute girl in the car, they’ll only give you a warning.
• Not only is Econolodge cheap, it is also ugly, uncomfortable, noisy, leaky, and the remote controls for the television don’t work.
• The Jersey Shore doesn’t quite stack up to Virgina Beach’s beach, but at least you won’t see Norfolk’s own Eric the Half-a-Turtle on Atlantic City sands. (On the beach in Norfolk we saw a rock with strange patterns. On further inspection, that is, by looking at the other side of the “rock,” we realized we were now looking at the front half of a turtle or tortoise that seemed to be missing its back half.)
• The Abbey Road Pub and Restaurant has a Beatles imitation band that performs occasionally. According to our waitress, “they’re awful.” The food was good however, so if you’re in town, make sure you go, but avoid 9:30 on Friday nights.
• From what I am told, you should not sit in the sand if you are wearing a women’s bathingsuit. The suits are designed in such a way that a pocket is formed around the crotch. This pocket will collect sand and when you stand up it will spill all over you. No, I do not know this from first-hand experience. Only from word of mouth. And if you’re trying to read into the fact that I used the words “crotch,” “hand” and “mouth” within close proximity, stop. You have a dirty mind. An’ Mama don’ allow that ‘roun’ here.